Trust me, I know there are times you don’t want to get up again

It’s been a long time since I’ve written here, and there is a one-hit wonder from the late 1990s that sums up why.

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down

Those lyrics are from Chumbawamba’s smash hit, “Tubthumping.” (For a trip down memory road, check out the video.)

Here is what I have learned from querying for the past 18 or so months: Each time you are knocked down, getting up is just a little bit harder.

How many times have I been knocked down? Looking at my querying journey, it’s quite a few times.

91 times, as of mid-July.

Yep. That’s 91 separate times an agent or publishing company rejected my manuscript. That’s 91 times I opened my email and had someone tell me that my YA fantasy was “not the right fit,” or that they just didn’t connect enough with the story. That’s 91 times I had a little bit of hope ripped from my chest and casually discarded.

Sometimes I don’t know why I believe in the wisdom of Chumbawamba. Maybe 91 times is enough. Maybe the universe is telling me to stay down. Maybe the gatekeepers of the publishing world are right, and that my novel isn’t as gripping and interesting as I think it is. Who am I, anyway, thinking I can write a novel? I should just give up. Give in to the rejection. Stay down, and not get up again.

But maybe, the 92nd time is the charm. Maybe this next agent will see what I see in my characters. Maybe the 92nd person will fall in love with my characters as hard as I have.

So yeah. I lay on the ground longer now than I did 90 rejections ago. But somehow, I do get back up again.

Why? Because no matter how much of an imposter I feel sometimes, I still believe in my little manuscript. I still know that there is an audience out there that wants to enter the world I created and interact with these characters.

So even if I get knocked down a 92nd time, I’ll embrace my inner Chumbawamba. I’ll get up again. And again. And again.